I loved Khadija Chapter Nine
The sun came, bringing with it many events and pains. For two weary, infatuated hearts. Also wronged by themselves and each other... guilty of those around them... they concealed a great love. They experienced a deadly passion.
Why?! Why do we hide our feelings? Why do we run away from honest, pure, innocent feelings?! Unfortunately, there are many excuses and justifications, some convincing, others flimsy and weak... making us feel weak, powerless, and unable to cling to our happiness and love. Why do we prefer the happiness of others over our own? Why do we leave what is rightfully ours for others... Why do we abandon what makes us happy and choose the path of pain and suffering...
And the excuses. Shame!? Pride?! Fear?! So many excuses. Its consequences hurt us alone, killing us alone... and if it hurts those around us, it won't be as much as it hurts ourselves.
On this day, a broken heart awoke... A different person, determined to make a lot of changes. He gathered his strength, gathered his weaknesses, and decided to start a new life, a life in which he hides his love and weaknesses. He wears the clothes of strength and happiness in his new life, falsely and deceitfully... But there's nothing he can do... The heart won't be able to achieve what it wants if it distances itself.
Fatima woke up and didn't find Khadija next to her in bed. She looked into her eyes and found her prostrating on the ground, praying, so she smiled. She waited until Khadija finished her prayer.
She finished her obligatory prayer and found Fatima awake. She smiled at her, went over, kissed her on the head, and sat next to her.
Khadija calmly: "Good morning, Auntie."
Fatima happily: "Good morning, beautiful and radiant, to the most beautiful bride in the world. But not that Auntie." Tell me, mom, or is it no good?
Khadija smiled: "How come? That would be an honor of course. From now on, I'll take care of you, mom. Don't be upset..."
Fatima happily: "Thank you, my sweetheart. Tell me how are you today? Are you better? And how's the pain? Are you still sick?!"
Khadija sighed helplessly: "Yes, thank God, much better. And when I woke up, I found my clothes on the chair. I took them, took a shower, and came out to get the medicine I found on the dresser. Thank God, I'm much better than yesterday."
Fatima: "Thank God. When you went to sleep, I went up to your room and brought you these clothes. I thought you'd definitely need them when you woke up. Thank God you're better now."
She continued hesitantly. Umm, Dija, I wanted to tell you that when your family comes to congratulate you in a while, I hope you don't tell them anything. What happened, happened. Zein and I talked to Marwan, and he said he would apologize to you. He was just overly excited.
Khadija smiled painfully: "Without telling you, Mom, I meant it this way. I wasn't going to say anything... There's no reason to ruin their happiness with me... Especially since Mom's heart can't bear to see me tired..."
Fatima, with relief: "It's true what you said... Zein, she didn't choose, by God... My dear, may God bless you with your intelligence, God willing."
Khadija: "Okay, with your permission, I'll go wake Marwan up. Mom, Dad, and Ammar will definitely be here soon."
Fatima, with a smile: "What's wrong, my dear? Go up, and I'll go with Umm Ahmed to prepare the best breakfast for you." ....
He was sitting downstairs next to his mother's room. He couldn't sleep, couldn't sleep at all. He kept tossing and turning in his bed, savouring neither sleep nor rest. He went downstairs, made a cup of coffee, and sat waiting for her to wake up so he could check on her. He kept thinking about her until he saw her coming out of his mother's room. He ran over to her, eagerly and anxiously.
Zain excitedly: "Dijah!!"
Khadijah with a fake coldness: "Yes."
Zain, surprised by her tepid response: "Good morning."
Khadijah coldly: "Good morning."
She headed up the stairs to go up to the room she shared with her husband.
Zain, confused by her response and her ignoring her, followed her: "Dijah, wait."
Khadijah stopped without turning around: "Yes."
Zain: "What's wrong? Are you still tired?!"
Khadijah, trying to calm down and maintaining a mask of cruelty.
Khadija: I'm fine, thank God. Don't worry.
Zain, with a painful tone: Okay, can you look at me? Why are you talking to me like that? Are you upset because I decided to carry you yesterday?!
She closed her eyes, trying to escape his gaze. She didn't want to weaken. She wanted to finish what she started and decided!
She turned to him, frozen.
I don't understand how I'm talking to you. I'm just talking to you normally. And besides, I'm not upset or anything. What happened, happened.
His response was interrupted by Marwan coming down.
Marwan, playfully: Good morning.
Khadija turned to him and approached him, feigning satisfaction. She smiled softly.
Khadija: Good morning. I was just coming to wake you up.
Marwan was surprised. He had expected her to be angry, playful, and ignoring him. Not to be this gentle and cheerful.
Marwan smiled and approached her and kissed her forehead: "My love, how are you today?"
Khadija swallowed painfully: "Thank God, I'm much better. Don't worry."
Marwan: "Dija, I'm sorry. I'm..."
She interrupted him and put her fingers on his lips.
Khadija: "Shhh, there's no need to be sorry. What happened happened. And I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me. And I'm sorry if I upset you with my reaction at the hospital yesterday."
Marwan was extremely happy that she forgave him and didn't get angry with him. He hugged her tightly, apologizing.
Marwan: "My love, I'm the one who should be sorry. I owe you that." He whispered mischievously. "But it's your fault. You're the one who's overly pretty and you've driven me crazy."
Khadija blushed and smiled: "Marwan, this isn't right. Okay, stand up."
Marwan: Uh-huh. How are you, Zein? Excuse me. Dija took me from you. Good morning.
What can I say? We'll excuse ourselves. We'll go up to our room. When breakfast is ready, come and surprise us.
He held Khadija's hand, climbed the stairs, and led her to his room...
He stood watching everything. In astonishment, shock, pain, and hurt...and hurt. Oh, so many, so many feelings he felt, all mixed together...a strange, extremely painful mixture...
Is this the one she was hiding from in my arms yesterday?!
Is this the one who slaughtered her, hurt her, and shed her blood yesterday?!
What is this?! Am I dreaming? How did she forgive him so quickly? Does she love him this much? Does he occupy her heart this much?!
He closed his eyes in pain. But who is to blame? Who is to blame? Who is to blame when he blames her, when he denies her? Wasn't he the one who backed down!
Wasn't he the one who abandoned her? Wasn't he the one who surrendered?
What did he expect from her? To feel it without words, without a hint!
To understand his love without him telling her!
What does he want? Ah, the man who wants everything without effort. ...He wants love...feeling.
.. Happiness... and he is silent... submissive...
But not anymore. From today on, he will get tired, yes, he will get tired and in pain. From today on, he will see everything that hurts and breaks the heart... if he thought what happened was torture. Then, he hasn't known torture yet... and what's coming is death, truly alive...
He remained lifeless, wounded, imagining what was happening between them in the room now. Would he make up with her!
Would he kiss her!
Would he hug her!
Would he...? So many... so many questions...
Enough, enough, I don't want to know, I don't want to. Oh God, how can I bear it anymore? How?!
His mother came from behind him, patted him on the shoulder, and smiled.
Fatima: Good morning, Zain. How are you, my love?
Zain sighed sadly: Good morning, Mom.
Fatima looked at his mischievous face with maternal concern, "What's wrong, my love? Didn't you sleep well?"
Zain arched his mouth sarcastically. Who stayed up all night worrying about her, carrying her worries and pain? She ignored him and turned to the one who hurt and pained her, ignored her, slept, and left her in pain. Most importantly, she forgave him. But why not? After all, he's her husband.
More importantly, she doesn't know anything about what's in my heart. She doesn't realize the love and passion I have for her. So that she can understand and feel for me. Why should I blame her and reproach her? It's me who's at fault.
Fatima, increasingly worried, "What's wrong, my love? What's wrong with you?"
Zain smiled painfully to reassure her, "Nothing, Mom. I really didn't sleep well. What happened yesterday wasn't easy. But thank God, everything is fine now. And Deeja is clearly doing much better than yesterday."
Fatima happily, "Yes, thank God." I couldn't believe it when I woke up to find her laughing, not upset or crying. She also told me that she wouldn't tell her family anything about what happened.
Zain, with a pang in his chest: "It's also clear that she's reconciled with Marwan."
Fatima: "Thank God, may God keep the devil away from them and guide their secrets. What can I tell you? Why don't you call them so we can all break our fast?"
Zain angrily turned his face away from her: "No, no, of course not. It's not right for me to knock on them. Go out yourself or send Umm Ahmed to them."
Fatima: "Okay, take it easy. Okay, call Umm Ahmed to call them."
Zain sighed in frustration and in an angry voice: "Umm Ahmed."
Umm Ahmed came running: "Yes, Mr. Zain."
Zain, impatiently: "Go call Marwan and Dija so they can break their fast."
Umm Ahmed: "Of course not." ....
After she went upstairs with him to their room, Marwan approached her, lifted her veil, and looked at her longingly, gently running his fingers over her soft face.
Marwan: I missed you.
Her body shuddered at his touch and closeness. She tried to remain calm and complete what she had started and decided. She had made up her mind that she must live with her new situation. No one had forced it on her; she had chosen to throw gasoline next to the fire. If she didn't stop the feelings that overwhelm her when she saw her lover, she wouldn't be able to control herself. She had to give Marwan a chance to get close to her, and she had to do the same. He had become her husband, and with her consent, she had to respect that. She had to respect her right to not sin against her Lord, her husband, or herself.
She stepped away from him, somewhat angrily.
Khadija: By the way, I still haven't forgiven you for what happened yesterday.
Marwan: Why? Didn't you tell me downstairs that you forgave me and weren't upset?
Khadeeja: Yes, that's only because Zein was standing there. And I don't want us to discuss anything about our private lives in front of anyone. Everything should be between a husband and his wife. If they hadn't found out yesterday what happened against my will, I would never have told anyone anything. But you hurt me and scared me.
He approached her, gently put his arms around her waist, and held her tenderly to his chest. He removed her veil with a provocative touch, in a tone of passion and longing.
Marwan: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt or scare you. I owe you that.
He slowly kissed her cheek, making her blush, so he smiled arrogantly. He then kissed her other cheek. Her heartbeats increased from this closeness, and fear crept into her, fearing that he would repeat what he did yesterday.
She tried to escape from his arms, but he skillfully held her tight. He leaned closer to her ear and whispered softly.
Shhhhh, calm down. Don't be afraid. I can't repeat what happened yesterday. He placed a soft kiss on her neck, followed by another, until he felt her body tremble. He moved away from her quietly, running his fingers through her honey-colored hair in a soft tone.
You're the one who was wrong about what happened yesterday. You're the reason.
She looked at him in surprise. How could I?!
He leaned closer to her until she felt his warm breath caressing her face and neck.
Yes, you. Ask. Your soft, long honey-colored hair that drove me crazy.
Ask your eyes and eyelids that enchanted me with their innocence and beauty.
Ask your beautiful lips, painted like nothing else in the world. You drove me crazy and made me unable to see in front of me. I'm going to die eating them, going crazy, and snatch them between my lips and quench my thirst with them.
Ask me about your body, its beauty, and its color. I am a human being, Dija, a weak human being in the face of all this beauty and femininity. Excuse me, I can't help it. Dija, I love you... I love you...
As soon as he finished speaking, he leaned over and captured her lips with a torrent of soft, delicate kisses. He gently carried her to their bed, sipping from the nectar of her lips and quenching his thirst with the warmth of her embrace.
She felt a radical change in his treatment of her. Today, he was different, treating her with tenderness and love. Unlike yesterday, he was a savage savage.
She had to surrender to him so that he wouldn't force her on anything again.
But her heart was torn apart with pain and hurt as she felt herself in his arms, taking possession of her body and approaching her with the right to be her husband. But if he possessed the body, he would never possess the soul and heart. They are another king... another who doesn't know my love and doesn't know anything about me. He doesn't know the extent of my suffering while I'm in the arms of another. He doesn't understand the extent of my pain while I'm forced to submit to him...
How much I'm suffering, oh God. Have mercy on me... have mercy on me.
Nothing saved her except knocks on the door...
She tried to escape him quietly.
Khadeja said softly: Marwan, please... enough... the door is knocking.
He moved away from her, his chest rising and falling from his rapid breathing. He was suppressing his burning desire for her with great difficulty. He didn't want to lose her forgiveness for yesterday's actions. He wanted to win her over gently.
Marwan: Okay, don't leave whoever's knocking.
Stay with me. I couldn't get enough of you yesterday.
He approached her, breathing heavily. Please, I can't stay away from you.
As he approached her, he devoured her lips again. Except the door knocked again. I quickly pushed him away from me and got out of bed nervously.
With a trembling voice
Khadeeja: Yes, who?
Umm Ahmed: It's me, madam. Zein Bey and Hajja Fatima are waiting for you to break your fast.
Khadeeja: Okay. We're coming down.
She turned to him and found him looking at her angrily and fiercely.
Ugh. Can you get up so we can go downstairs?
He sighed in frustration and got out of bed angrily. He approached her.
Marwan: Ugh. I'm the one who was wrong. I shouldn't have listened to anyone and taken you away after the wedding.
But my mom and your family were the ones who made it a point to check on you first. No one would have bothered us now.
Khadeeja: Yes, because I would have been dead by now after what I did yesterday.
He approached her, put his arms around her waist, and continued mischievously:
Marwan: Ugh. May evil not befall my moon. May God not let me or you. And then, that's it. I promise I won't treat you like this again. I'll be calm, affectionate, and gentle so as not to upset you later. Agreed.
Khadija: She took a deep breath. Agreed.
She took her hijab and niqab, put them on, and they went downstairs together. They headed to the table where Fatima and Zein were sitting waiting for them.
Fatima cheerfully: God is great. May God protect you, my darlings, and may He not let the devil enter between you. And may He guide you, Marwan, my dear son, God willing. And may you appreciate the jewel that God has sent you.
He extended his arm, embraced Khadija, and kissed her on the head, smiling.
Marwan: The most beautiful jewel. Dija is my eyes, my mother. May God keep her for me. And God willing, my guidance will be at her hands. But she pleases me.
Khadija smiled weakly: "God willing, may God guide us all."
Fatima: "Oh God, my dear, let's break our fast with a thousand blessings and good health."
They all began to eat, but neither of them could taste anything. They didn't know the difference between sweet and salty. Inside them, there was a fire consuming them, and no one knew.
But despite his jealousy and the raging fire in his body, his concern for her and her health was killing him. He wished he could discover for himself whether she was in pain or not. He raised his voice and asked her.
Zain: "Uh-huh. Tell me, Dija, did you take your medicine today?"
She closed her eyes in annoyance. When he cares about me, when he fears for me and cares about me, all because he considers me his little sister, he feels responsible for me. She smiled sarcastically: "Oh, you, Zain. I wish you had looked at me as a lover from the beginning, not as a sister."
Ahem, yes, I took it as soon as I woke up.
Zain, eagerly: How could you do that? How could you take the medicine without breakfast? Don't do that again. Eat first, then take the medicine, understand?
Marwan was surprised by his brother's excessive attention to his wife. Doubts crept into his heart as to why all this attention was given to her. Was it because she was raised by him from a young age, or was there something else? He responded sharply.
Marwan: I think I'm the only one who orders my wife around. I wish you'd leave this medicine thing to me. I'll know how to take care of my wife's health, so don't worry about it yourself.
Zain felt a bit embarrassed, as if his feelings were being exposed in front of everyone. He was about to be exposed. He tried to change the subject.
Ahem. Yes, of course, you're a master at forgetting. You forget, and she forgets. You get tired and dizzy, and you disgust us with you. You drag us around in the middle of the night. My dear, I don't have any work to do. And your mother is sick. After that, we'll let you two scatter.
Fatima: Hahahahaha. Don't believe him. He only says this from the bottom of his heart. He was going to drive you crazy yesterday.
She felt a blade pierce her heart. To God, she was such a burden to him. Did he do all this just for the sake of manhood and responsibility? She closed her eyes in pain.
Marwan: No, my dear, don't worry. Dija is my love, and I will take care of her. And by the way, today, after my father-in-law and mother-in-law leave, we will travel immediately.
The food caught in his throat, and he coughed harshly several times. After hearing the news of their departure, her disappearance from his sight, and his brother's distaste for her, he jumped up in alarm and quickly got up from her seat, took a glass of water, and gave it to him eagerly and anxiously.
Khadija, alarmed: Drink quickly. What's wrong with you? Why are you choking like this? Aren't you careful?
He looked deeply into her eyes, trying to understand why she was so worried and anxious about him? Because he's like a brother to her, right? No, no, don't be silly, Zain. She acts spontaneously. Don't take her actions lightly and interpret them however you like.
He looked away from her and sipped gently from the glass of water.
Thank God. I almost choked on the omelette. I don't eat much of it, it makes me tired.
Khadija: Okay, why are you eating it? Let alone anything else.
He nodded in agreement. "Uh-huh." He tried to hide his nervousness. "Tell me where are you traveling?"
Marwan, with a piercing, probing look: "Sahl Hasheesh."
Khadija: "Okay, leave it tomorrow, I'd better be ready."
Marwan: "No, not today." I want to enjoy my vacation. I can't leave the company for much longer. I have to get back quickly.
Zain jealously: And how long will you stay?
Marwan, sipping his tea coldly: A week. Would you like to come with us?
Zain felt like smashing his head in. This idiot is joking, and I'm torn with jealousy. He got up from his seat.
Zain: Thanks, Zareef. I'm not like you, my dear. I'm a businessman. I manage my time, not my own. Excuse me, I have work to do.
Fatima: Son, today. What kind of work is Friday?
Zain: You know, mom, my job doesn't have Thursdays or Fridays. They call for me whenever they need me.
Marwan: Why don't you quit that disgusting job and come work? With me, it's better. You also have to consider your fate.
Zain: No, sir, I'm happy with my job. I'm not good for anything other than being an officer. Excuse me.
Marwan was dying of suspicion and doubt. Why were these two so estranged from each other? Why were they acting so impulsively? Are they just brothers or what?!
No, no. If there was something else, why would she have agreed to marry me, and why wouldn't he? No, no, I seek refuge in God from you, Satan. Zain is my little brother, and he can't possibly think about my wife. Yes, he's just afraid of me for her, knowing my rich past with the fairer sex.
A short while later, Khadija's family arrived, carrying the gift. They congratulated them, and everyone sat and chatted.
Manar, Maryam, and Khadija were sitting in a room. Khadija was talking and checking on her.
Maryam: Thank God, my dear, you are fine and I am reassured about you. I was dying from anxiety yesterday, I swear. I was awake all night, my heart was pounding and I cried and when I got tired, I was going to call you at the tenth time instead of the last, but your father told me that it is not right and not right to call you at a time like this. I told him, "Okay, I will call Fatima." He said, "You will find the lady asleep." I said, "Okay, I will call Zain." He said, "It is not right. What are you going to tell him?"
When I got tired of him, I surrendered my affairs to God and prayed and asked God to protect you. Thank God, you returned safely.
Khadija smiled weakly: "Thank God, don't worry about me, I'm fine. And I'm here with my family. Marwan loves me very much and wants to make me happy in any way. And Mama Fatima is very kind, and I love her, and she loves me."
She continued, feeling a lump in her throat. "And Wozni is just like my brother Ammar. He treats Marwan with respect. I don't want him to upset me with a word. They all love him."
Maryam happily: "Thank God, God has comforted my heart and cooled my eyes. I'm reassured about you, just as I was reassured about your brother. May God make me happy with your offspring, and may they be righteous offspring. Amen."
Khadija and Manar: Amen.
Manar mischievously: "And may God keep you for us, my dearest. But of course, after Dija's marriage." You and Uncle are going to have another honeymoon, right?
Khadija: Hahaha. Yes, I feel that way.
Maryam, shyly: God, and also with you, you shameless people, be careful. I'm going down to sit with Hajja Fatima for a while before we leave, be careful.
Manar: Hahaha. I'm embarrassed, Maryam.
Khadija: Hahaha. Yes, it's obvious.
Maryam left the room, looking at those two girls with shyness and reproach. After she left, Manar looked at Khadija and asked her.
Manar: Dija. Can you please tell me what's wrong? I've been uneasy since yesterday. Reassure me.
Khadija, as if she was waiting for her question, let her tears and sighs flow and cried bitterly.
Manar, startled, hugged her and held her tightly, her concern evident.
Manar: What's wrong, Dija? What happened? I'm getting even more worried.
She let out words in slurred tones between sobs and tears.
Khadija: Oh, I'm going to tell you. Everything.
She told her everything from the beginning. As soon as she finished, Manar was shocked by what she heard... and stood up as if stung by a scorpion...
Manar:!!!! It's not possible, Dija. Why would you do this? Why? Why? When you love him so much. Why did you agree to marry his brother Marwan... Why, Dija? Where is your mind... Where is your modesty... Where is your religion... Where is Khadija... How is your heart... How...!!?
She didn't answer her, but continued to cry in pain and reproach. Manar grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her violently. Why? Why? Why did you do this. What were you thinking at the time? You wanted to be by his side, see him, and talk to him. You didn't think about what the outcome could be!!!
He wasn't paying attention to you. He considers you his sister. But when he gets used to you and your feelings and actions betray him, he might understand. Then, God forbid, things might happen that shouldn't happen.
She continued fearfully. God help us, really. You threw gasoline next to the fire. And if the world catches fire then, don't blame anyone but yourself. You're the one who might make siblings lose each other... You know what could happen if he feels for you, understands, and obeys you... Answer me, I know where this could lead you...!!!?
Khadija collapsed more and more. She blamed herself enough. But Manar's talk and reproaches only exhausted and hurt her more.
Khadija, pleading and confused: What should I do? I'm afraid my feelings will betray me, man. I'm dying, Manar, I'm dying. I'm wrong... I'm guilty... I know, but please, enough... I'm dying, I swear I'm dying. Tell me what to do... Tell me how to act... I have no sisters but you... and my life, don't be cruel to me too... Enough of the cruelty of fate and life... Enough... She kept crying bitterly...
Manar's heart softened for her. She had experienced love and passion. And she knows that it's not in your hands. But in your heart. He felt sorry for her and hugged her tenderly.
Manar: The only solution. You should avoid him as much as you can. Try not to get together with him in the same place. And try to control your feelings and deal with him. As if he were your brother and your husband's brother, and nothing more.
She pulled her out of her embrace and looked at her to urge her to pay attention to what she was saying.
And most importantly... Take care of your husband Marwan. Marwan, Dija, is not to blame for any of this. He loved you and married you. He trusted you and entrusted you with his home and his honor. Don't betray that trust. Try to get closer to him and love him. Take care of him. Maybe God will bless you and you will forget Zein and love Marwan. You understand me, Dija.
Khadija, in pain and tears: I understand. I understand. And God is with me and helping me... He knows my heart and my intentions... I swear I don't want to make a mistake or fall into any sin... May God forgive all my sins, God...
Marwan took Khadija to Sahl Hasheesh for their wedding vacation. He treated her kindly and gently. Khadija was a new kind to him, different from the ones he knew. Everyone he knew were call girls and prostitutes. But she was the only virgin he had known. He enjoyed the experience. Her shyness, innocence, and actions fueled his desire for her even more.
He spent happy, enjoyable days with her.
After their return, two months of marriage passed.
Khadija followed Manar's advice. She avoided Zein and never shared the same place with him. She tried to get closer to Marwan and understand him.
She prayed and supplicated a lot. She occupied herself with studying. Her exams were coming up. Because of her previous exams, she hadn't performed up to par. So, she decided to focus well during this half of the year.
But Marwan, unfortunately, didn't show much interest in her. He quickly grew tired of the routine and married life. He yearned for a life of prostitution and prostitutes.
Khadija couldn't go along with what he wanted. She was innocent and oblivious to what was happening in those circles.
So, he returned to his old life... staying up late and getting drunk, socializing with prostitutes, and returning to her late every night.
Most importantly, he had taken another room for himself to sleep in alone. Because he didn't want her to see him drunk and staggering in such a shameful manner when he returned. One night, she decided to talk to him and discuss this shameful situation. She was a bride still in her early months, and he was leaving her like this. Why? And during his waiting period, she heard the sound of his car engine stopping, so she put on her clothes and veil and went to his room, which he had set up alone away from her. When she entered without permission, she froze in shock at what she saw. She hadn't expected what her eyes had seen.
She wondered what Marwan was doing. And what the future holds for Khadija and Zein.